Spiritual Transformation

Last night, Anita Mathias asked a question on her blog:

What has been spiritually transformational for you in the last decade?

I tried to think of something nice to say- something positive, something spiritual and maybe witty. But then I actually started to think about the last ten years of my life, and it was so painful to think about that I decided to pull out my old journals so I could skim over parts I didn't want to remember and be immediately distracted by some other entry. This worked, for the most part.

But what exactly defined, or transformed the last ten years of my spiritual life? Where has God been leading, what is He teaching- is there really any rhyme or reason to the chaos, particularly of the last six or seven years?

This is what I finally came up with, the comment I left on her post:
"The last decade? I have learned about friendships. Specifically: loss, betrayal, hypocrisy and gossip. Also abuse, depression, grief and many of my own weaknesses. However, with all of that I have learned what it is like to lurch forward into darkness and feel God catch me. Over and over."

It wasn't just other people betraying me, gossiping about me, or being hypocrites while I maintained unassailable character. I betrayed. I was a willing party to evil speech. I was a hypocrite. And this is nothing new. I hurt, and I hurt others, but this time I lost a community, through mutual failing. As I relived the pain of that time, I also remembered how God was there. "Lurching through darkness"- those are the only words I can think of to describe it. Crash landing on God's faithfulness, maybe, and right at a moment when I thought I had done what could only earn God's disappointment. Not his faithfulness. Never that.

Of course it has nothing to do with earning anything. And I have found it hard to disappoint God.

So, today, at this place of grief and confusion, I am trying to make some headway, find some healing, trust and hope. I am hanging onto the memory, the certainty of God's faithfulness; trusting Him through this present darkness.