In Which I Compare

I have a confession to make.

I compare myself to others.

This is entirely human and "normal" I suppose. But it's a really unfruitful way of thinking. I spend a lot of time comparing myself to the people I love the most (what an insult to them, when you think about it) and to whom I am in the habit of trying to measure up: my siblings. They are all successful, have university degrees, happy families, busy social lives, and live thoughtful and intentional lives. Then there's the mess that is me- never finished any degree, struggling with parenting, finances, depression, and never knowing where the heck my life is headed anyway.

Some days I feel like I have wasted my life. 

I spent time in prayer today, and decided to be thankful for what God has done through the years I consider wasted and unfruitful.

There's a pretty long list.

It's a really good list too. Not the kind of list that will put money in my bank account or letters after my name, but it is a hidden spring of mercy and growth through darkness and struggle and loneliness. Growth I don't believe I could have ever had any other way; growth I didn't know I needed and wouldn't have known how to accomplish if I'd known.

These aren't all the things I thought of, but the ones I find most important:

I have learned to persevere past emotion, distraction, futility, incompetence, and being overwhelmed. And even past paralyzing comparisons.

I have learned God's utter faithfulness through my darkness. I have learned that He loves me because I am His; apart from all my gifts, achievements, folly, and sin. I am valuable, and not because anyone else thinks so- God thinks so, and it is enough.

I have learned that my emotions do not define me. I can accept them as valid at the moment, but not have to act on them, feel guilty about them, change them, fight them, or dwell on them. I am becoming a person who can continue in a plan in spite of depression, passion, or emotional distraction. My temperament is changeable, impulsive- and I am stiff-necked and proud. It never would have occurred to me that emotions can be both accepted and ignored. The Holy Spirit has worked through my circumstances to train me without me even knowing it. I have always been focused on fighting my emotions: He has been focused on helping me accept them for what they are. 

How could I compare this list with anyone else's life? I am content that He is still leading me- that He began this good work, and He will be faithful to complete it, even if I don't know what that will be like.

Therefore, my dear brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always excelling in the Lord's work, knowing that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.    -1Cor 15:58